Myself

This will be short, simply a thought that came to light during my nightly routine.

As I stared at myself in the mirror, hair a combination of gold and brown, shadows under my eyes despite getting enough sleep, marks against my shoulders from wearing a protective vest all day yesterday and digging a rifle against it, I realized that even though I'm not as handsome as I used to be, I like myself more.

Last year when I was gaining so many new fans, friends, followers, it was because I was handsome. My hair was always nice (I do miss the silver,) I was spending money on expensive clothes to look good, and I was going out to conventions and meets and taking picture after picture..

But despite it all, I was far from happy. I woke up most days wishing I could go back to sleep. Getting out of bed was just something I had to do because it was what was expected of me in my home. But I was working 4hrs/2 days a week, I couldn't get s job as an EMT, the cerification I had worked so hard for, and I felt like I had no purpose in life. I wasn't going anywhere, doing anything.

I considered a lot of things, and one of those was ending my life. It was always fleeting, the thought making me mentally slap myself, ask myself what the hell was wrong with me. 

But now I know, I was lacking purpose. I as a person need some reason to wake up, something to do everyday that isn't just for me but for a greater good, a cause bigger than myself.

I have that now, and while my reason to get out of bed won't always be the military (seeing as how my contract is up in 3 years if I don't reenlist) it's nice to know what gives my life meaning now. What keeps the darkness away.

Tldr; I'm nowhere near as good looking as I was when I was so popular, but I'm happier now.