Myself

This will be short, simply a thought that came to light during my nightly routine.

As I stared at myself in the mirror, hair a combination of gold and brown, shadows under my eyes despite getting enough sleep, marks against my shoulders from wearing a protective vest all day yesterday and digging a rifle against it, I realized that even though I'm not as handsome as I used to be, I like myself more.

Last year when I was gaining so many new fans, friends, followers, it was because I was handsome. My hair was always nice (I do miss the silver,) I was spending money on expensive clothes to look good, and I was going out to conventions and meets and taking picture after picture..

But despite it all, I was far from happy. I woke up most days wishing I could go back to sleep. Getting out of bed was just something I had to do because it was what was expected of me in my home. But I was working 4hrs/2 days a week, I couldn't get s job as an EMT, the cerification I had worked so hard for, and I felt like I had no purpose in life. I wasn't going anywhere, doing anything.

I considered a lot of things, and one of those was ending my life. It was always fleeting, the thought making me mentally slap myself, ask myself what the hell was wrong with me. 

But now I know, I was lacking purpose. I as a person need some reason to wake up, something to do everyday that isn't just for me but for a greater good, a cause bigger than myself.

I have that now, and while my reason to get out of bed won't always be the military (seeing as how my contract is up in 3 years if I don't reenlist) it's nice to know what gives my life meaning now. What keeps the darkness away.

Tldr; I'm nowhere near as good looking as I was when I was so popular, but I'm happier now.

A Year in Review

I know that it's very rare that I make a blog post, but I feel like I have a lot to talk about for once. And it's almost been a full year since my last post!

So to begin I'll say that I signed up for the military in June of 2014. My ship out date to go to basic training was set for October 7th so I had about 3.5 months to enjoy as a civilian. Though there were a lot of military mandated appointments I had to attend and I was put in charge of the others in the DEP (Delayed Enlistment Program) like myself and that was a job in itself.

But I took an amazing vacation to Colorado with my family in July and the next week I attended Afest and cosplayed for the very first time (as Cop!Rin and Cop!Sousuke if no one remembers!) and it was amazing, but I also knew it would be the last convention I attended for a long time.

Eventually the end of September rolled around and Mar and I celebrated our birthdays together and it was absolutely amazing. So many wonderful people attended and I had never had such an extravagant or elaborate birthday. Growing up I had only ever had one "birthday party" and it was simply a few of the neighbor kids coming over for cake, so this was beyond anything I had ever imagined.

And almost everyone at the party knew that I would be shipping out in a week and a half and I was overwhelmed with cards saying how much I'd be missed and people constantly telling me that they'd miss me and that they couldn't wait till I came back. To say my ego was huge was quite the understatement.

Right one schedule I left for basic training a week and a half later and then from the moment I stepped off of the plane at the airport and was yelled at to sit in a line by the windows and turn our cellphones off I was cut off from all of the outside world (aside from letters and the occasional payphone call to my family when we were given the privilege) for 2 months.

For 2 months I endured a rigid schedule, some days were full of classes and others we were marching here, marching there. I met so many new and different people. It was quite the experience, I mean hell, I was even subjected to tear gas. Now that was interesting. But I counted down the days until that final weekend when my family would be there to see me graduate. We all lived Sunday to Sunday for 8.5 weeks and when that day finally came I had never felt such happiness. From Friday until Sunday I got to see my family on a daily basis, they were there for numerous ceremonies, and even when we said our goodbyes on Sunday night I wasn't too upset because I knew I'd see them again in 2 weeks when I got to go home for the holidays.

And after they had left we were all shipped out to our respective schools. And that was when I was able to reconnect with the outside world, to a point. Around 1am we were loaded onto a buss and drove for 10 hours, no idea of what our destination had in store for us.

I arrived at tech school on December 8th and after a week of formal briefings we started classes, where I was informed that my school was the longest there and that I wouldn't be graduating until the middle of July, if I didn't fail a test in between and wash back into a class behind ours. It was stressful and again I lived weekends to weekends. And about halfway through school the workout schedule changed, so Monday, Wednesday and Friday we had to be outside by 4:00 so we could start our workout. Class was from 6:00am to 3:00pm and we marched a mile there and back every day. We marched so much that I even bought a fitness tracker to keep track of just how much we were moving! I averaged about 6 miles a day, just walking! More if we ran that morning.

I found ways to keep myself from going insane though. I made some amazing friends, joined the drill team and eventually became the head of the team as members graduated and moved on. I truly felt like a part of something. That group of people looked up to me and even as I handed over my power to my successor they still came to me with questions and whenever they got a rifle move down because of my help it was amazing to see the light in their eyes.

I can truly say that without the people I met and the things I did (good and bad, I did a few questionable things during my time there) I wouldn't have gotten through with the amount of sanity left that I had.

And eventually the middle of July arrived and I finally graduated. It was amazing, knowing that I had essentially gone through 2 years of college in 8 months (with the credit hours to prove it) and we were finally on our way out! During my time there I had been given order to go to Washington State and that's another part of what kept me going. To imagine living in such a beautiful state with so many opportunities to get out and meet new people and just be surrounded by nature pushed me to work harder and to keep my eyes on the future.

Now throughout my 10 months away from home I lost contact with a lot of people. Fights were had, fallouts as well, and with a schedule of 40+ class hours a week, not including whatever they had us doing AFTER class, I had a hard time staying in contact with the few that did still talk with me. For a long time I was angry. I felt lied to, cast aside and alone. But looking back at it now, I ostracized myself. I essentially fell out of BOKUTACHI and I spent all of my free time with drill team or out with friends, some weekends spent drunk until a bad decision was made one weekend and I knew I couldn't let myself get that drunk again.

I spent about 3 weeks back home before driving up to WA, and I truly felt the consequences of my actions then. Before I left I didn't have enough time to hang out with everyone that wanted to see me, but then I had too much time and no one to spend it on. I saw a total of 3 friends while I was home on leave, 1being a friend from the past who showed up at my door one day after a random chat on FB, knowing nothing of my enlistment until I told her. It was lonely, but I knew that my actions were what caused all of my pain in those 3 weeks.

And now that I'm in a new place... I'm learning how to be happy here.
I see Mt. Rainier every day as I drive to work and as I drive home (if it isn't raining or too cloudy) and I'm meeting a lot of new people.

I'm learning how to be a better person.
I'm learning who I am again, learning to recognize the person in the mirror again.
All while learning what the military needs me to know.

Downtown Seattle from the Space Needle

So the time has finally come where I say goodbye to it all for a while and begin to carve my own path in life.

Though, at the age of 22, it's to be expected, hm?

Tuesday I set off on a grand adventure, one that both terrifies and excites me at the same time!

While I feel ready, I also feel very unprepared, as if I'm stepping into an abyss, hoping that there will be a net to catch me at the bottom.

Or perhaps instead of wishing for a net, I'll have to learn to fly instead!

I hope that you all continue to support me and when you need it I'll be right there beside you as well!

That's what friends are for, yeah?

Fighting!

My Anime Matsuri Weekend! [Long/Pic Heavy Post Ahead!]

I'm really terrible with making blog posts, but I have to make one to sum up this weekend!

The group of us drove down to Houston last Thursday and I'm really glad we did! That way we were able to get settled in, get badges and get some good sleep before activities started the following day.

But that evening I met my BOKUTACHI brother and the other half of my otp, Kyo! Ah, he's such a cool dude and in person he was 1000 times cooler! It was Aften [one of my roommates and fellow ouji] and I's job to dress Kyo up for the Tea Party on Saturday as well and we worried because since I've barely been in ouji for 3 months I didn't have much to spare from my wardrobe, and since Aften is smaller her stuff fit Kyo a little snug! But we figured we'd sort it out on Saturday.

Friday morning while Aften and I were getting ready Kyo came over to our room and helped out with getting ready and kind of hurried us along because we're both slow bros in the morning. We all headed to the Dealer's Room and when we finally got in [an hour late but no big deal!] I went straight for the Baby the Stars Shine Bright booth! There were so many amazing dresses but I didn't really look at them because I had my eyes on the ouji rack! Friday there wasn't much there, just a few vests and a pair of pants or two, but I was lucky enough to snatch up the men's Alice and the Pirate's Azure vest! 

After we left the Dealer's Room [where I also bought AKIRA and Midori's Siesta photobook] Aften and I went back to the room and changed before heading out to go get in line to wait for the JFashion Show. The show was spectacular [though 2hrs late] and the story that was portrayed was amazing! Reika and AKIRA both look amazing dressed up as regal princes, and Midori and Misako were as beautiful as ever. The models in the show all looked so well made up and I really wish I could have been a part of it all, but it was still a lot of fun just getting to see the finished product. 

Since the show was so late we were worried we wouldn't find the Siesta book signing in time because we had to run back to the room first, but when we finally found it we were some of the last ones to go in. Because of this Aften and I were able to get selfie style pics with AKIRA and Midori!

                               

Went to bed super late and had to be up early on Saturday to get ready for the BtSSB Tea Party! Kyo was over again that morning to help out and we dressed him up all fancy! 

 The Tea Party was definitely a big highlight of the weekend! I got to see so many of the lolitas I already knew dressed to perfection and there were so many fancy oujis there too! To be honest, I felt very under dressed! 

The designers were all there, as well as Misako, Midori and AKIRA, however, REIKA was late! Turns out she had been out playing DDR, and when she arrived she was still decked out in her Levi cosplay! We had Survey Corp royalty in attendance!

At my table at the party I knew everyone except for a few girls, and when one girl sat down we both had a 'I know you from somewhere!' moment... turns out we went to kindergarten together! And then the same school every year after that but we never kept in contact. It was weird how fate decided to reintroduce us like that.

The rest of the party was a lot of fun too, and in the end AKIRA called over all of the oujis for a group picture! I thought that was so exciting since out of the 110 people attending the party [if I remember correctly!] only 15 of us were oujis! Afterwards I caught AKIRA and got another picture with her before she was gone for the rest of the day.

We hit the Dealer's Room again [where I bought a Mint Neko shirt from the h.Naoto booth] and then we all went back to the room to undress, unwind and relax for a while before the Nightmare concert! Well except for me! I went with a friend to go wander around the Dealer's Room for a while again and I ended up buying an AaTP black Romeo blouse! I never thought I'd buy that much over the weekend [especially since it was all pretty pricey ^_^;] While we were down there I literally bumped into a new friend I had made thanks to Kyo, and after we talked for a little while I made my way over to a friend's booth. We were talking and suddenly there was another person beside me! It was a friend I had met online, Edkinko! We talked for a little while, exchanged numbers, and then I left so we could go wake up Aften and get ready for the concert!

It's was all pretty much a long 12 hour blur after that! The Nightmare concert was really awesome! I even got Sakito's pick! And then I came back for the rave that TeddyLoid was DJing! During the rave some girl was cowd surfing and I saw she was going to fall and I literally caught her princess style. Coolest thing I did all weekend. 

After the rave Kyo and I waited in line to get TeddyLoid's autograph and that pretty much ended my night. Though the next morning while waiting to check out I caught him in the lobby and got a selfie with him!

Sunday morning I just about rolled out of bed, threw on some clothes, covered up my dark circles and went to go get another AKIRA autograph and another picture. I wish I would have looked better but I was exhausted! And I also got a picture with the lovely Misako Aoki, I even ended up kissing her hand >w< And after that it was time to pack everything up and head to the bus station!

I know this is super long [this isn't even ALL that happened] but I felt I needed to get all of this out because it was such a fun and exciting weekend. I know a lot of people are complaining about the lack of organization and such within the con, but for a person who rarely attends cons, like myself, it was still a lot of fun! I can only hope I have as much fun next year if I go~ Especially if I get to meet as many new amazing people and see the old ones again! 

The handsome Akira @ the Tea Party!

                               

And of course I kissed Misako Aoki's hand like the smooth criminal I am! 

Way behind!

It's been forever since I posted up a new blog update, but I just get so behind with it and honestly it's hard to keep up with myself sometimes. 

But quite a few major things have happened lately! 

I'm newly single... Well I have been for a month or so now and it's the first time I've really been single since I was in high school, so it's been about 3 years. I feel like a floating ameba now! 

The fall semester started and I only have 3 classes this time around and 2 are online! Though the most important one and the one that is taking the most of my time is my EMT class! I'm going to learn how to become a first responder! Then perhaps if I take an interest I'll go back for the year and a half needed to become a Paramedic! 

I also cut my hair even shorter and ditched my blond/silver for a very ashy brown! I can style it so nicely now and I swear I look like I belong in a host or dansou club most days! It's really nice to feel happy and comfortable with myself. 

Well this is getting really long... Oops! I'll just leave you all with a new picture of a very makeup less me~  

- Natsuki 

A Pleasant Surprise

I got home late today and I haven't felt like myself lately so I was ready to give up on the day and lay around on the couch like a log. But it turns out I received a package in the mail today! I wasn't expecting anything either so it was like Christmas!

I had no idea what was inside of it but it was from an amazing friend I've known for nearly 2 years now~ I opened it as gently but quickly as i could and inside was...

TeruNyan! We both love Teru from Versailles/Jupiter and she made a nyancat out of him! Two semesters ago I got straight A's in my classes and she said she'd send him to me as a reward for doing so well~ and here he is!

I have an amazing friend~ ♪( ´▽｀)

You should all go follow her on Facebook! 

www.facebook.com/NightsideINK.shop

She makes the cutest accessories and knitted creatures~ 

My First Post

It's always awkward when starting a new blog, because I feel my life is too boring to even warrant having a blog, but I guess that's all forgotten in the excitement of it!

Well this week I joined the Dansou group on Facebook and I have to admit it's rather fun to be surrounded by people who enjoy the more boyish side of fashion and life. I don't feel as alone anymore.

I've also been working with Conception Complex's manager more this week on promotions and things. I still feel like a newbie but I'm making progress. We made up their 'blurb' last night and I've followed around 350+ people on Twitter this week in order to expand my range and find some industry contacts. This is a big job and I didn't even know it was going to be this time consuming, and at times stressful, but it's fun! Especially since CC are an amazing band~

Tonight I watched Jurassic Park while I finished my book, Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater and ughhhh.. I've read it before but I had to reread it because I realized I bought the sequel and never read it. The end was so emotional and I literally flailed a little when I finished it. Now to start Linger tomorrow!

And tomorrow is also another work day, but I only have one more full week of work before classes start! I'm really excited to become an EMT! Let the learning begin!

For now, goodnight everyone!
おやすみなさい!